Just because i have to spill .

Alot has happened in the past few months , ups and down . Usual daily routine more or less like mostly everyone out there but not a day goes by without a heavy thump in my chest . Its just there and most of the time , i don't like to mention bout it . Why fuss when i can spend my time on other things ?

Honestly ? I force myself to be okay . Just because i don't talk bout it doesn't mean I'm dumb and blind not knowing what's actually going on . I don't need you to say it right at my face after a long day . I am working on it and i am not perfect . Never will is . I'm sorry if i did anything wrong . I would very much like to talk things out but it always end upside down . Sooner or later i gave up on explaining and let things flow itself . Hoping it will be better . I know you do too . Looking up the ceiling before bed time , telling yourself everything will be just fine tomorrow .

Never explain ourself . Your friends don't need it and your enemies wont believe it
- Belgicia Howell

Just because I am the type of person that likes to put a fake happy mask and shield out all sad feelings doest mean i don't have heart for anything . I ain't a small kid anymore . I grow , i learn , i see things differently , i work at my own phase and to summed it all up . I changed . As much i want to tell you how sorry i am , a part of me telling myself before i apologise i would very much want to sit down and talk things out . I want to let you know what is going on in my life and you , to understand me , accept me . You've been there , you should know . Being a teenager .

I know you worked very hard , i really do and i admit sometimes I'm blown away by my daily activities , i just somehow forgets what matters around me . Like i say i ain't perfect and if i made mistakes . I am sorry , i mean it . When things go so haywire i just gotta snap out of it and realise the world just won’t stop for you that life doesn't always have a happy ending . I've accept reality and move on , i admit i do rant , compare , being depress bout why my life isn't any better than this ? Because of this , it made me stronger .

Tell you the truth , deep down i was really mad that sometimes when the things you said to me aren't true , its your side of perception . You always say you want to get to know me better but did you ever accept who i am now ? Its not like i don't go class and score good grades for you , its not that i am not doing fine at my work , its not like i don't follow your curfews , its not like i never ask , its not like i don't listen . I am not being rebellious and don't ever say i am cause i was never rebellious . I always ask and report but you know i cant help not being a normal teenager , i wanna go crazy and do what all teenager do , Its not like i am hanging out with a bunch of aimless drug addict friends as I type this post in my room, sheltered, warm and safe. I know I am very fortunate.

I am disappointed in myself. Disappointed that I got upset with what you said. Although you said what you said harshly without thinking for my feelings too, I am grateful. So thank you for being here for me . I just got back from an awesome shopping day and i have a future ahead of me , just because of what happen i am not gonna let it go . If your standing in my way , I'll have to make my way through it . I have to stay positive as i can be . I had to .

With all my heart to those who care for me - thank you and no this is not a sucide note . I have no bad intention to cause any dramas and i know the consequences after posting this . I want everyone to be happy . I am perfectly fine - just because i have to spill .